Peyt’s Huge Announcement

Well, it finally happened. A week before the March 9th deadline, Peyton Manning has finally made his huge announcement.

Look, I get why he took his time. Even if it was obvious to the rest of us that he was washed up, it was past time to hang it up, and that physically- Pinkie looked about as fresh as Archie.

The man did play 19 years of pro football, it’s his entire existence, there are millions of dollars at stake – so I get why he took his time, consulted with this family and business partners before making the big announcement. But sure enough, last night he made it official. It came before a speech he was giving on leadership in Jacksonville last night.

He took the stage. Looked out earnestly to the audience. Took a deep breath. And spoke the words the world has been waiting for “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight.  ……………… Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off, tonight through Friday!  … I’m sure that was the response you were looking for.”

You know what I’m looking for? A barf bag. I’m not going to give you a QB Mount Rushmore… But I’ll slam Peyton’s face onto Mt. Plugmore.

In fact- he owns that mountain all by himself. It’s just one giant pink head with dollar signs for eyes… And big ol pepperoni-and-mushroom pie carved into the rock. HANG ‘EM UP?? The only I’m gonna hang up my brand new flat screen so I can enjoy my directv in crystal clear HD! My last ride? That smooth, comfortable Buick Verano is the last ride I’ll ever buy! Did I run my last race? Shucks no, I’m gonna lick race some oreo filling with you fine folks right now. Man, all this talk is getting me parched. Does anybody have a cool, crisp, refreshing Budweiser I can wet my whistle with?

They say the weirdest moments come from Florida. I say you the Sunshine State encapsulate Peyt’s entire football life. Routinely getting housed by Steve Spurrier’s Gators. Beating Rex Grossman to win a Super Bowl in Miami. Throwing a pick-6 to lose a Super Bowl in Miami. And rick-rolling a retirement announcement right into another product plug in Jacksonville. I’d say Never Change Mallard, but I know you never will. This bud’s for you.

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