Quick shout-out to 1 Patriot Place in Foxborough Mass. Somebody make a Costco run and pick up a whole palette of Cap’n Crunch. Because you now have one tight end who loves Captain Morgan, and another one who loves Cap’n Crunch.
In fact, it’s his favorite type of lunch. The Pats and Marty B are the opening act for March madness, because New England just traded for Martellus Bennett. And I love it.
I love it for football reasons, for fun reasons, and for team content reasons. You know what I hate? Dopes who think that Marty B won’t fit in with the Patriot Way.
Right – how could a massive tight end with a huge personality who has a great time and says crazy stuff ever stick with the Pats, right? Wrong. Because for the last 6 years they’ve already had one who’s hung with porn stars and set sail on his own booze cruise. Marty B just has a big personality and likes cartoons.
And the next spy camera the Patriots set up, should be mounted in the tight end meeting room. Because two of the most entertaining dudes in all of sports will be sitting next to each other in there and the world needs to see. Those same dudes will also be giving Tom Brady the best arsenal he’s had in years. The Gronk. Marty. Edelman. Amendola. Dion Lewis. There’s your 5 wide.
And how about the Pats red zone package. Fact is the Pats lost last season because they couldn’t make a 2-point conversion. Now when Brady takes that snap and looks to his tight ends… He’s got 13-feet-2 inches and 540 pounds of target. And the best we’ve seen Brady over the last handful of years is when he’s run with 2 big tight ends tearing up the middle. Unfortunately one of them started capping people and was sent away.
Now that attack is back. And the only things Marty B murders are buckets of the Cap’n and fantasy football owners.
The Pats offense is going to be a joke. And the stiffest team in the league is going to be hilarious. We’re on to the black unicorn.
This post brought to you by Jim Rome.