Let’s do some heavy lifting and peel back the Dwight Howard layers.
Dwight gets caught using an illegal substance, then responds by admitting he’s used it every game for 5 years, and then is upset that anyone might think he’s a cheater.
Dwight- if you’re so offended that people might think that you took a shortcut, then my man – why did you run to the first microphone and say you’ve been taking 5 years of shortcuts? What a headcase.
And don’t’ tell me it’s not a short cut either. Not when the can is visibly concealed by tape, and not when your coach got busted trying to conceal it. The drunk at the little league game who thinks nobody knows he’s drinking Maker’s Mark in his Starbucks cup thinks you need a better cover.
You think fans are being hard on you for stickum? The NBA has announced they’re not even going to fine you. MLB would be running you out of the league, D. You got off easy.
Dwight says he only uses Stickum to dry his hands. It’s called Stickum, Dwight. Not dryum.
There’s this other product kids are using these days to dry their hands, you should try it – it’s called a towel. It’s legal. Or get some chalk. Or have the Rockets install one of those bowling alley air vents on the bench so you can keep those paws dry to lob cinderblocks from the free throw line. In fact, don’t. Don’t use anything. Because Thunder Big man Steven Adams has a theory on your stickem.
Hey maybe he’s right. In the five years since Dwight’s been spraying that junk on his hands – his percentage at the stripe has gone down almost 10 percent.
This could be the best thing to ever happen to Dwight. Instead of whining about being called a cheater, you should be happy this ordeal could save you from being a bricker.
My advice for Dwight- find whatever stickum is left stashed in the equipment closet, empty an entire can all over your mouth and slam it shut for a while. See if that sticks for once. Because right now, to quote your creative mentor… “You’re looking kind of dumb with your finger and your thumb / In the shape of an “L” on your forehead.”
Love how Dwight’s track is “All-Star” when he hasn’t even been one in 2 years.
This post brought to you by Jim Rome.