I’m not going to recap the draft with a whole spectrum of letter grades. Just Fs and As. Just the ones that count. And last night gave us plenty.
URBAN MEYER: F.
Don’t tell me this was some kind of victory lap for Urb. Don’t tell me that getting 5 Buckeyes drafted in the first round was an Urban Meyer infomercial. Because you know what I thought: How the hell did Urb not win another national title? 3 players in the Top 10. 5 players in the Top 20. It could have easily been two more with Vonn Bell and Michael Thomas. And this crew lost to a Michigan State team that had ONE. And they lost at home in the horse shoe? HOW?? And we’re not even counting J.T. Barrett and Braxton Miller here. Watching Buckeye after Buckeye go up on stage last night – I was wondering how they didn’t roll in every game by 30. So, sorry Urb, I don’t want to hear that was your coronation – when all you have to show for it, is a win in the Battle frog Fiesta Bowl from last season.
EZEKIAL ELLIOT: A
First of all- OSU WOULD have won that national title in Urb got Zeke the ball more. And I guarantee Jerry Jones will. I also hope Jerry covers him with some cash when the Shield inevitably fines him for that crop top. Zeke HAS to rock that look on Sundays. And considering he was rocking it on the red carpet last night- I bet he does it in Jerry World, I bet the NFL hates it, and I know they’re just jealous. As if Rog Goodell wouldn’t tuck in his dress shirt and show off his six pack if he could. WE ALL WOULD. Honestly- I don’t’ love the pick for Dallas. They have a lot of needs in the secondary. Even for a guy with Zeke’s game… No.4 is crazy high to take a running back, especially when your line is so good that you don’t need some Phenom. But – I love the pick for Zeke. He’s like the Running back version of Dez Bryant. So explosive, so passionate, blink and he’s gone. And I love that Zeke is going to a place that lets him be a superstar. Not A place. THEE place. Dallas doesn’t get an A for the pick, but he gets one for going there. That team is about stars and they just got one..
Who’s next –
THE MIAMI DOLPHINS: A
One way or another- they just got the steal of the draft. Laremy Tunsil has #1 pick game… and they got him at 13. Best bong rip ever for them. And again – What do they care if he took some money at Ole Miss? What do they care if he burned some dope? Shoot they’re in Miami, half their fanbase might be on blow. Brutal night for Tunsil, but assuming he stays down, doesn’t do anything stupid, steps in immediately and plays on that line for the next decade, that could be an unbelievable pick for the Dolphins.
Who’s next –
DEFENSIVE BACKS – A
Dads all want their sons to be Quarterbacks. But if he can’t can’t- put your kid in a backpedal. Welcome to the new NFL – where SEVEN defensive backs were taken in the first round. That’s where the game is played – in the secondary. Teams don’t want guys who can rush for 1,500 yards. They want guys who can stop QBs from throwing for 5,000. Remember when safeties were just smaller linebackers whose jobs were to fly up and stop the run? That time is so dead. Now they’re bigger corners. Everybody wants them. Everybody will pay them. This is passing football in 2016: All anybody’s looking for is guys who can throw passes, guys who can rush passers, and guys who can pick-6 passes.
Who’s next –
MYLES JACK – F
Because he is official a member of the Geno Smith Two Suit Club. As in, he has two bring a second suit, because he’s going to the second day of the draft. Awful. It’s not his fault that none of the 31 picks had his name on them. He had a brutal injury. And the most terrifying term in all of sports is hanging around him “micro fracture surgery.” Some teams may be put off by marijuana. Every team was terrified of micro fracture. But again – I tried to tell these guys, don’t go to the draft. Because going to the draft doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going on stage.
This was the best day for Bob Griffin in years. Not only did Cleveland not take a QB to replace him. They drafted a wide receiver to help him. A BAYLOR wide receiver. They took Corey Coleman, a guy with great speed, and a perfect quote about lacking great size “If size mattered, elephants would be king of the jungle.” You know why that’ perfect? Because it sounds exactly like something Bob Griffin would tweet. They’re already a perfect match. And just imagine how much better they could be if yet another Baylor dude, Josh Gordon, took his mouth off the bong for 10 seconds? Hey Josh – it’s like Bob says : “No pressure, no diamonds.”
This post brought to you by Jim Rome.