Never Change, Big Sexy

What a weekend. Where to start? The Kentucky Derby. Canelo Alvarez. The Stanley Cup Playoffs. The Warriors Lose. The Spurs Lose. The Cubs sweep. The Cavs sweep. BIG BART GOES DEEP.

Maybe it wasn’t the biggest thing to drop over the weekend. But it was one of the funniest things I’ve seen.

And according to some, possibly the greatest moment in the history of MLB. A 42-year old fat man homering for the first time in his life.


A couple of thoroughbreds had themselves a little jog on Saturday. Nyquist at Churchill Downs. And Bartolo at Petco Park.

Big Bart’s career numbers: 228 at bats. ZERO walks. 121 strikeouts. One moonshot home run. Oldest player ever to hit first home run. And I can’t be sure, but I think he’s the first player whose home run distance is less than his weight.

I’ve gotta hear that shot again. Gentlemen, en español, por favor.

Bart said after the game “I don’t even know how to explain it.”

I do big man. You’re listed at 285! If you get behind one, it’s gonna go. I’m surprised it didn’t land in the parking lot.

And everybody’s always said what a great athlete you are. I once tried to bust AJ Pierzynski’s chops about you tagging him out in a rundown, and he practically talked about you like you’re Bo Jackson.

And how about that all-time home run trot? Can we even call that a “trot?” It was like Bart was just WALKING with his shoulders bouncing. He made Big Papi look like Billy Hamilton. If you see a trot that slow, it’s in a Beer League Softball game and #69 The Hammer is stopping at the second base keg to re-fill his solo cup.

And I don’t’ blame him for a second. If you finally jump ship in your 19th season – you take your damn sweet time enjoying it. I know the rest of the world did. I wish that trot was even slower.

In one weekend, we go the fastest 2 minutes in sports. And the slowest 8 minutes in baseball.

Never change, Big Sexy. “HASTA LA VISTA BABY!”

A 42-year old fat pitcher cannot jump ship. Just can’t do it. You shouldn’t be able to jump ship if you can’t even jump rope.



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