Slaughter Rule

Some real quality NBA entertainment last night. No really, Game 5 in Cleveland was competitive for AT LEAST a minute and 30 seconds.

The Raptors were coming off two straight wins, and were in this game for less time that it will take for me to drop this take.

This Cavs-Raptors series can’t make up its mind. Just when you think the Raptors don’t have the horses to stay within 30 of the Cavs… They head up North and do them twice.

It was Canada Day in the Jungle. Bismack Biyombo for Prime Minister! My fridge is packing a Molson Ice Sixer! Exit the Warrior! Break up the Raptors! Yeah, or break the Raptors faces and run them right out of the building and back over the border.

Exit the Warrior? Exit the country. Because all of Cleveland’s stars could have exited the game in the 1st quarter and they still would have rolled the Raptors.

Bad news for the Cavs — yet again, Kevin Love was benched in the fourth quarter. Good news- it’s because he hit his first 6 shots of the game, the Raptors were DOA, and he took that courtside seat right next to Bron and Kyrie.

Those dudes did what none of us did. Watched the end of the game.

Don’t tell me you watched that whole thing, why bother. That pack of maniacs watching outside in Toronto didn’t even feel like hanging in. Why should they keep caring when their team didn’t?

Its games like that one that make me wish the NBA had a little-league style Slaughter Rule. When one team of 4th graders crosses county lines to play a bunch of ringers who are already sprouting mustaches because their parents held them back 3 years… And they call the game after the 4th inning because kids are crying, parents are fighting, and the ringers are up 30 runs? The NBA should do that when a team gets up by 40 points.

If a group of pros gets down by 40 points, they have one minute to get it down into the 30s, or get the hell off the court.

Just throw it to Chuck and the fellas in the studio- it’ll be better than whatever’s out on the court. Throw to a Law and Order re-run if you have to.

You know what – dig up an old ep of “Franklin and Bash” – it’s be better than Raptors-Cavs just was.

If I sound bent about how bad that game was – it’s because time is money, and because just two days ago I threw the Raptors a party. And how do they repay me? Like they’re still hungover from it. Two buckets from DeRozan. 5 turnovers from Lowry. And who wants to sex Biyombo?? Freaking nobody. Not today, big man.

I don’t ask much. I just want somebody in this series to make up their mind and stop wasting our time. I thought the Raptors were awesome. But that was just awful.

Get slaughtered one more night, and I’m officially tossing that Molson Ice and smashing my Blackberry.



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