Cleveland – You Are World Champions

I’ve done this a long time. I’ve seen a lot. I’ve said a lot. I start today by saying something I have never said in my life: Cleveland – you are world champions.


Those words actually just came out of my mouth. To the terrified Cleveland fan who once shouted OH MY GOD THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! Yes it is. And it happened in the most dramatic way possible, against the toughest opponent possible.

I’m going to keep saying it, time after time, until it feels right. Cleveland – you are world champions.

I can tell you what’s NOT going to happen today. In fact, I can tell you what’s never going to happen again: The Jungle peanut gallery isn’t going to be able to sit around and kick Cleveland in the shins segment after segment, year after year.

Burn your burning river scripts. Don’t send me the Bohica guy. No need to fire me off another joke about Jo Noah’s vacation.


And Cleveland didn’t just beat the Warriors. They laid to rest this rant by Seth Rollins.


LeBron James DID just bring that town a championship. Take a good look at THAT.

I know that 49 states in America couldn’t wait for the Cavs to lose last night. I know there are thousands of ghouls who were actually glad they won Game 6, just because blowing Game 7 would be even more hilarious. And I know that you’ve got a bad case of the Mondays this morning because Cleveland killed your buzz, ruined your plans, and LeBron took away your “Mistake By the Lake” whipping boy. But welcome to your new reality. The one where you don’t have Cleveland to push around anymore.

Every single thing you could throw at them just seems petty and pointless now. Body Odor, urban decay, burnt out warehouse smack. It’s never been- funny, now it’s just embarrassing.

Calling them losers has never been cool, now it’s blatantly untrue. Don’t even think about coming in on this day, and trying some of the same tired old sucker punches.

I don’t want to see the names Byner, Elway, Mesa, Ehlo. Because all those losses combined weren’t as big as that win was last night. That era is over. The drought is over. And if you live to make fun of Cleveland – the party is over.

That’s not the river burning, it’s the same scripts you’ve been sending me for 20 years going up in flames.

Let me say it one more time, because it’s finally starting to feel right: Cleveland – you are world champions. Quoting the Finals MVP and the C-Town Messiah: “Cleveland, this is for you.”



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