Welcome To Hell 2016

I’ve got a production note for the Olympics in Rio. Kill the Olympics theme music.

I know the audience loves it, I know it’s majestic… but this year it’s really not accurate.

If the Opening Ceremonies even happen, I want AC/DC repping their native Australia, and blasting the new Olympic theme into the arena. Hit it fellas...

 

The boys have Axl as their front man right now, and down in Rio it’s definitely time to die. In fact, it’s way past that time for the poor soul who just washed up on the beach down in Brazil.

Put this headline up on the medal stand for the Summer games. “MUTILATED BODY PARTS WASH UP ON THE SHORE OF RIO’S OLYMPIC VOLLEYBALL BEACH.”

And you’re going to tell me that’s not Hell? That’s why those first responders held up that sign welcoming visitors at the airport: WELCOME TO HELL.

You have bugs flying around with a disease that infects unborn babies. You’ve got working girls all over the streets. You’ve got folks getting bike-jacked in broad daylight. You’ve got wild amazon predators being shot by police at torch ceremonies. And now you’ve got mutilated body parts strewn across the beach. Not a bunch of fish heads and jelly fish. I’m talking about homo-sapien arms, legs and heads.

I thought the Olympics were about testing the human body at the highest level, not stepping over one as you play volleyball.

This isn’t the standard pre-Olympics problem like pollution, venues being ready, and security. This is some person’s rotting head rolling in with the driftwood… less than 6 weeks before the games begin. Just incredible. And there was already a human arm spotted on the course for the water events.

Can Rio guarantee at least one venue that is totally free of human remains? At this point -I’d settle for dead animals. That would be a win. This could be the first Olympics ever with roadkill on the track. Hurdlers are going to have to jump over dead jaguars to get to the finish line.

Who knows what kind of predators will be in that Steeplechase pit? I don’t think it’s asking too much to get the body parts off the playing fields. If they’re still washing up on the beach now, who’s to say they won’t right in the middle of the competition.

I don’t want to watch an Olympic volleyball player dive for the ball and land on somebody’s severed coconut. Nobody does.

It’s like they need to round up some of those nerds on the beach with the metel detectors, and have them start searching for arms and legs instead of bottle caps and quarters.

If they can’t get their act together by August, they can at least be honest. And when America and Australia enter the opening ceremonies, I want Axl and Angus banging out this diddy.

Rio, you’re welcome. The rest of the world – Welcome To Hell.

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